Questions from a Concerned Brother

Soon after my last blog I received a message from a concerned brother in Christ. As I read through the questions he sent, I realized that it is possible that many others might be wondering the same things. Below you will find his message and then my reply. Thanks for your concern!

The Message:
Hey man. I read your recent comments and was praying for you. I felt I needed to send this. I hope you read this coming from a brother in Christ in love and compassion. It truly is normal to grieve but it seems like this is consuming you and as I thought on this some questions came to my mind that I would want to ask myself if I was in your position. What about my dad's death bothers me so much? The violence of it? The pain he must have felt? If he had died of a heart attack would it be affecting me this much? if not why? Am I unsure of his salvation? If so am I angry with myself for not sharing the gospel more? Was my dad an idol to me? Did I put to much hope and trust in him? Why does my dad's death take me to the end of my rope? For what purpose might this be? I know this time must be hard. I can not imagine. There are times here where what we say we believe meets with a situation in which we must test that faith we confess. I hope and pray you will persevere and stay in the Word even when you don't feel like it so the gospel can wash over you daily. I know I probably did not say anything you do not know or have not heard but I hope in some way it has been an encourage. Grace and peace.


My Reply:
Thanks for reaching out. It's nice to have someone outside my regular circle of support willing to ask some tough questions. First, let me start by stating that my blog is intended to be a way for me to vent and begin expressing some of my thoughts and prayers. It has been a way for me to "breathe out" some of my mental madness. Second, to think about what troubles me so bad about my fathers death is difficult. I know that he was a believer because we talked often about his salvation. Also, if he would have died in a more civil fashion I feel sure that things wouldn't be quite as tough because I wouldn't be thinking about my dads blood that was spread all over his garage, back yard, and truck (also I'm not consumed with thoughts about my grandmother who died unexpectantly just 2 wks after my dad's body was found). I guess being at the crime scene and close to the investigation aided my imagination in recreating what might have happened. Not to mention his blood on my shoes and clothes that I wore for the first couple of days after he was murdered messed with my mind in the earliest stages of trauma and grief. I really do not know why I continue to struggle through this but I do trust that the sovereign Lord knows just where I am. I am even, at times, thankful to God for how he is growing me and forcing me to be completely dependent on Him. I wish the thoughts, day dreams, and nightmares would stop but for some reason they haven't. Is it because of sin or because God is preparing me for something yet future? I don't know but I continually cry out to the Lord confessing my weaknesses and an over dependence on myself. I ask that you would pray for my ability to spend quality time studying Scripture. It is a discipline I have prided myself in because it is something that I really enjoy and spend lots of time doing... Until now. My ability to comprehend or even to recognize words is overwhelming and likewise frustrating. I can't figure out why reading is all of a sudden so tough but it is. I carry note cards with me with verses on them as they are easier for me to ingest but I long for more. Nevertheless, I, like you, have been asking myself, my seminary and counseling professors, and the Lord all the same questions you posed but I simply haven't gotten many answers other than trauma and grief of this nature will take some time. I often feel like I'm going crazy but I am going to give myself a little grace right now. The past 2 1/2 months have been really difficult as I have lost my dad and grandmother, my aunt was placed in hospice care, and my grandfather has verbally disowned me for having him admitted to the hospital for psych testing. I have been forced through alot here lately and I will give myself a pass for a little while longer. Thanks again for your concern and I beg you for your prayers for me and my family. Our worlds have been turned upside down and we are trying to figure out how to organize all the pieces.