Another Layer of Grief

My dad is gone… my dad is gone… my dad is gone. This is the thought that continues to run through my mind. At first, I dreamed about the brutality of his murder, then I dreamed about vengefully restoring justice by doing awful things to those I believed to be involved, and as of this morning, I had dreams of men who have been inspirations to me competing for the opportunity to take my father’s place. Although I see a pattern in the dreams themselves and the different stages of grief that I am facing they are nonetheless terrifying. I found myself crying this morning feeling as if I had to replace my dad. The fact is that my dad is irreplaceable. No one will ever be my dad. So what am I to do? How am I to replace or fill the void that my father once occupied? Is it even possible? Do I even want to?

My dad is gone… my dad is gone… my dad is gone. Regardless of the time of day, I continue rummaging over these thoughts. How or when will this stop? I continue to try to succeed in writing papers or reading textbooks but to no avail. The more I try to focus the less I can. Will I ever get back to a place where I can be successful in school, Bible study, etc. I feel so worthless and lazy but I cannot seem to get motivated, I cannot seem to divert my attention away from my dad is gone… my dad is gone... my dad is gone. I feel like waves are crashing right on my head today. I’ve manufactured times of laughing, smiles, and happiness, but overall I’ve spent too much time alone. Alone is dangerous for me… I am unable to control my thoughts. My counselors and friends continue to tell me that all this is normal but I am so damn tired of being normal. I am so tired of all of this junk just being ok. I want change!

My dad is gone… my dad is gone… my dad is gone. God I beg you to take this from me. I feel like I must move on but don’t know how. I keep trying to remember that just as the Lord was there to fight for and protect the Israelites from the Egyptians, he is fighting for me (Ex 14:14). I trust you are battling for me and I know that you are victorious, but I feel so alone. I recognize that I am like the Psalmist who suggests, “It is my grief, that the right hand of the Most High has changed” (Ps 77:10). The NET Bible notes, “The psalmist observes that his real problem is theological in nature. His experience suggests that the sovereign Lord has abandoned him and become inactive. However, this goes against the grain of his most cherished beliefs.” My experience has caused me to feel neglected and alone but my faith and beliefs remind me God will never leave nor forsake me (Dt 31:6, 8). So even though I know these things and recognize that there is a war between my experiences and beliefs, my troubles still persist. How can I trust God more? I know he is using these trials to mature and refine me, and I honestly want to grow, but I am tired and feel like I am at the end of my rope. Maybe that is just where God wants me. God help me to continue to rely on you. The war in my mind is real and I am desperate for you to take control.