A Grief Observed/Compared

Over the last couple of years in my counseling and psychological studies I have learned that grief often comes in waves after trauma/crisis. Since my father’s murder in January, I have found this to be true. I have had times of complete and utter distress (as seen in previous blog entries) and times of thanksgiving/hope. At times, the waves are like a calm day at the beach but more often than not, they have been colossal with deep swells and a powerful surge.

The last few days I have really wrestled with the process of grief and the great divide between those grieving and others. I feel like CS Lewis understands and explains much of how I feel in his book “A Grief Observed.” He testifies that the grief he is experiencing is similar to fear and at times he feels drunk or concussed. He suggests that it is like “there is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me” (pg. 3). I understand this type of out-of-body experience where I feel like life is happening around me but I am really not part of it. I also, at times, feel like no one can understand me nor the battle that ensues in my mind. People recognize when I am sad and when I am happy but can’t quite figure out that regardless of the emotion I am presenting my heart is aching. I agree with Lewis that the toughest part of this pain is that “I not only live each day in endless grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief” (pg. 10). I rationalize and try to anticipate the next dark moment. Even during the good times I am constantly thinking about when the next wave will hit me and how will I respond. Lewis, likewise, appeared to ride this roller coaster of emotions (or waves as suggested earlier). At times he thinks he is progressing and feels better while at others “all the hells of young grief have opened again” and he suffers much pain (pg. 56). Lewis suggests that, “Grief is like a bomber circling round and dropping its bombs each time the circle brings it overhead; physical pain is like the steady barrage on a trench in World War One, hours of it with no let-up for a moment. Thought is never static; pain is often” (pg. 41). Nevertheless, CS Lewis recognized the grief was a process. He illustratively explains that “grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape” (pg. 60).

It is nice to be in the company of a great man of God. He grieved the loss of his wife and even questioned God’s character yet he never failed to believe. His book “A Grief Observed” has helped to normalize the process and convince me that I am not crazy for being overwhelmed with grief.