Lauren and I are on our way to the beach via a stop in Jackson, MS to see my family and are listening to JJ Heller. Her song "Your Hands" is a pretty awesome tune, especially after my last post. I encourage you to go to iTunes or some other music network and purchase it or better yet her whole Painted Red album. JJ Heller is pretty awesome! Here are the lyrics to her song "Your Hands".
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn’t there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That you would take my pain away
You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crooked lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands
When you walked upon the earth
You healed the broken, lost and hurt
I know you hate to see me cry
One day you will set all things right
Yeah, one day you will set all things right
When my world is shaking, heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave your hands
Your hands that shaped the world
Are holding me
They hold me still
Friday, May 07, 2010
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Peace... a new understanding
Over the past few blog entries I’ve mentioned a concept that has been difficult for me to understand… peace. As noted in a couple of my entries I mentioned that I questioned whether or not I was a believer because I did not have peace. I was encouraged about a week after my dad was killed and before his body was found that I needed to show others that I had a “peace that surpasses understanding.” This would draw those unbelievers who were grieving to the cross. The encouragement was meant to push me to be a greater witness, but it ultimately had a different effect. I remember sitting at a table and feeling completely defeated and almost unable to breathe. I was trying to regulate my breathing while tear drops fell from my eyes. My wife and mother were holding me and praying for God to give me peace. I sat still through the prayer and immediately stood up and walked away. I felt like there was an extreme weight on my chest and I couldn’t take a deep breath. I met panic for the first time and it was ultimately because I didn’t have “peace.” I went into a bedroom weeping and tried to catch my breath. My mind raced with questions about peace… why didn’t I have peace, if Jesus has given me peace why can’t I feel it, why do my prayers seem to be unanswered, why is there not an absence of conflict in my mind. These questions, many others, and likely the influence of the evil one led me down a dark path of questioning my faith… was it real, was I part of the elect, or maybe I have never “really believed” or was not “chosen.” All the while it became harder and harder to breathe. What an impact a five letter word can have… P-E-A-C-E.
Now that I have had some time to reflect on the early stages of this trauma, my panic, and why I was not experiencing “the peace of God which surpasses all understanding” I have learned much about my own personal walk with the Lord and this concept called peace. When I try to define what I believed peace to be while I was questioning my faith I feel overly simplistic. I assumed having peace would have resulted in me being calm and not worried or anxious in any way. That’s what peace is right… the absence of conflict or problems? The Apostle Paul suggests we should “be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:6-7). Does this verse mean that if I pray God will provide me with peace? Does it mean that if I pray then this worry about my dad will… poof, disappear? I can guarantee that I was begging and crying out to God to take this worry and anxiety away from me, so why was there no absence of worry… no absence of problems? Maybe it was because I was not trusting God enough in the situation. I wonder if I would have conjured up a little more trust if these thoughts, this hurt would vanish? I was actually told, on multiple occasions, that I needed to trust God more in this situation. It’s in God’s hands. Everything will be ok. My only problem with this advice (other than the fact that while I was hurting, I felt like people were belittling my walk with the Lord) was that I could not figure out how to trust God more. I believed that he was sovereign over the situation and that he ultimately was in control. I trusted that he would bring justice in his timing. I trusted that he would take care of my family and others who had been affected. I trusted that his glory would be made known through this awful tragedy. I felt like I completely trusted Him, so how could I trust him more? Would I be trusting him more if I quit crying, if I quit having nightmares and flashbacks, if I quit worrying about the well-being of my grandparents?
What I have come to realize is that “the peace of God which surpasses all understanding” is not the absence of problems or conflicts but the company of God in the conflicts. It is not just having a harmonious relationship with someone, but having a bond with the creator of the universe. Peace is not something that I can just conjure up at any moment, but something that God is… always. I have come to realize that peace is the presence of God in my life. It is not necessarily a feeling but a reality.
I am able to look back at the first couple of weeks of this trauma and realize worry and anxiety are reactions that God created in each of us. These reactions are good when we sense danger and need to get away from a situation or defend ourselves. I believe this anxiety response is: fight or flight. Our adrenaline increases and we have abnormal abilities to manage difficulty. I was in a situation for the first 72 hours or so that was dangerous. My body was in a crazy bind: leave my grandfather by himself or continue to stay at the crime scene to protect him. On one hand I needed to flee, but on the other I needed to protect. These juxtaposing needs caused confusion and panic. However, the reality is that the peace of God never left me. When I became so confused that I questioned my faith and quit “walking with the Lord” He walked and He carried me. That’s a peace which surpasses comprehension.
Now that I have had some time to reflect on the early stages of this trauma, my panic, and why I was not experiencing “the peace of God which surpasses all understanding” I have learned much about my own personal walk with the Lord and this concept called peace. When I try to define what I believed peace to be while I was questioning my faith I feel overly simplistic. I assumed having peace would have resulted in me being calm and not worried or anxious in any way. That’s what peace is right… the absence of conflict or problems? The Apostle Paul suggests we should “be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Phil 4:6-7). Does this verse mean that if I pray God will provide me with peace? Does it mean that if I pray then this worry about my dad will… poof, disappear? I can guarantee that I was begging and crying out to God to take this worry and anxiety away from me, so why was there no absence of worry… no absence of problems? Maybe it was because I was not trusting God enough in the situation. I wonder if I would have conjured up a little more trust if these thoughts, this hurt would vanish? I was actually told, on multiple occasions, that I needed to trust God more in this situation. It’s in God’s hands. Everything will be ok. My only problem with this advice (other than the fact that while I was hurting, I felt like people were belittling my walk with the Lord) was that I could not figure out how to trust God more. I believed that he was sovereign over the situation and that he ultimately was in control. I trusted that he would bring justice in his timing. I trusted that he would take care of my family and others who had been affected. I trusted that his glory would be made known through this awful tragedy. I felt like I completely trusted Him, so how could I trust him more? Would I be trusting him more if I quit crying, if I quit having nightmares and flashbacks, if I quit worrying about the well-being of my grandparents?
What I have come to realize is that “the peace of God which surpasses all understanding” is not the absence of problems or conflicts but the company of God in the conflicts. It is not just having a harmonious relationship with someone, but having a bond with the creator of the universe. Peace is not something that I can just conjure up at any moment, but something that God is… always. I have come to realize that peace is the presence of God in my life. It is not necessarily a feeling but a reality.
I am able to look back at the first couple of weeks of this trauma and realize worry and anxiety are reactions that God created in each of us. These reactions are good when we sense danger and need to get away from a situation or defend ourselves. I believe this anxiety response is: fight or flight. Our adrenaline increases and we have abnormal abilities to manage difficulty. I was in a situation for the first 72 hours or so that was dangerous. My body was in a crazy bind: leave my grandfather by himself or continue to stay at the crime scene to protect him. On one hand I needed to flee, but on the other I needed to protect. These juxtaposing needs caused confusion and panic. However, the reality is that the peace of God never left me. When I became so confused that I questioned my faith and quit “walking with the Lord” He walked and He carried me. That’s a peace which surpasses comprehension.
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